Come What May

Too often I don't think before I do things, I don't consider the consequences, the pros and cons, whether something is normal or not....

I constantly do things or say things, and afterwards I think: hm probably shouldn't have done that.
But I allow myself to do this, to have free rein so to speak, to act without thinking to much.

I mean, for one, life's too short. I don't have time to ponder the complexities and possible outcomes of each and every choice I make. Sometimes it's just now or never.

But more important I trust myself to be able to deal with consequences, whatever those might be. I expect that I will be able to pick myself back up if I fall. I expect that I will see the silver lining in everything.

How do I know I will be able to recover, to fix things when things go wrong, to rise from everything relatively unscathed? Well, I don't know. I am making a complete ass out of you and me by assuming I am capable.

But the trick is to convince yourself that you will be able to handle the outcome no matter what happens.

Recap

Sitting by an open window with light flooding in, eating a gingerbread cookie with milk while wearing a comfy oversized sweater, listening to soothing jazz music while editing photos....it doesn't get much better than this If only someone was here to share this pleasant calm with me

Back in the days when I knew someone was coming over, I would set my desktop background to a giant picture of their face to thoroughly freak them out. Not sure why I don't do that anymore...

Boys suck. That being said, I sometimes wish I were a boy. Nooo, not so I can treat a girl right or something sappy like that. It's so I can wear a suit and tie and look as sleek and sexy as one of Justin Timberlake's music videos.

All the time I get calls from people that I’ve obviously contacted somehow sometime…but I call/email so many people I don’t remember them all. It’s the weirdest thing to have someone call you and refer to you by name while you’re stuck there trying to figure out who the heck you’re talking to for half the conversation.

I wish there was a soundhound app for scents. The woman sitting next to me today smelled really good and I am in the market for a perfume. I debated on whether asking her would be complimentary or creepy. I decided on the second. So now I can’t smell heavenly because I don’t know the name of the perfume.

That was the first time in my life that a telemarketer has called my house and asked if I spoke Chinese. So I said yes...probably should have said no lol

Other teachers who haven't already been introduced to me are always surprised to find out that I'm NOT a Chinese language instructor working at WLC. It's happened like 3 times. That's what happens when you work at a language center I guess...Asian problems.

Heard on the radio today: some dentist fired his assistant because he thought she was too attractive and was afraid he would start an affair with her. The supreme court ruled that this is not illegal sex discrimination because the firing was based on feelings and not sex. So i guess basically, dont be too attractive, you could get fired.

It’s amazing what a little coffee can do for me. I feel so much more energized and alive compared to yesterday! I just asked a 90 yr old woman to twirl around in her dress, and guess what, she did. And she never looked so young and beautiful.

Definitely just stood in the elevator for 15 seconds thinking about bug bites before i realized i hadnt press any buttons. Then i walked outside and saw what i thought was a man peeing on a bed of flowers in broad daylight but really he was just watering them with a hose at a very inconvenient angle for him

I am in love with the essence of a man I have never met. The music he creates puts me into a calm so still I don’t think I’d ever wake up. It raises up every doubt and insecurity, every memory and emotion, it touches all that is inside me. And when I hear his music, I feel so deeply that reality seems to fade away into a stream of consciousness. (olafur arnalds)

You know it's going to be a good day when you're walking to work and a random guy that just finished a run starts talking to you about how marathon runners shouldn't wear shirts because at the end of the race their nipples will be bleeding from all the friction. Despite that strange dose of knowledge, he was a really friendly firefighter.

So i dont believe in love at first sight. But apparently its possible for me to want to marry someone after only a few exchanges. Bonded over the exorcist-like whispering of the metro stop announcer with a guy that was tall and beautiful with the friendliest smile and kindest eyes. And by beautiful i mean he was handsome and looked like a million bucks in his white button down and blazer in hand. Completely out of my league but a girl can dream

Yesterday I felt like a kid in a candy store going to Lotte. I bought a carton of 18 eggs. And 24 hours later...there are only 6 eggs left. But at least I still have the 6 salted duck eggs and whole container of orange sushi fish eggs. I think I have a serious egg problem.          

Video Game Live

I just got back from a Video Game Live Concert at Wolf Trap. Never did I think I would end up there, but I LOVED it.

There's just something about the intensity, the fun, and the passion that goes behind it. Seeing all these fans get excited and feeling connected to each other through this shared interest is really something.

I liked that they showed clips from Russian Tetris creater Alexey Pajitnov and Japanese video game music composer Koji Kondo. Shows how global and universal video games are.

I never played video games as a child really. I climbed trees, build bird nests, rode bikes. While I definitely find it very important to be outdoors and play with nature. I'm starting to realize that it's important for my child to play some video games too.

Why? Well it sets up the basis for connections later on in life. I see people laughing and reminiscing about games they use to play, which one was their favorite, etc. I want my kid to have that too.

Now, this particular setting was interesting. I went because a guy I had met only once before asked me on a date there. I couldn't believe this was happening because the guy that just rejected me had told me he was going to this concert. I wondered if this was some really strange and fated coincidence.

I personally didn't feel romantic interest for the guy that took me on the date. But you know what, he treated me very nicely, packed a picnic, paid for my ticket, and opened the car door for me. And for that I thank him. I enjoyed the concert, I did.

But. He smokes. And for me, even though I just didn't see our personalities connecting anyway, that was the real deal breaker.

I still had fun I guess. I just don't know how to relay to him that smoking is a big turnoff and at most I only see a loose friendship in our future.

I think though, that it was for the better I went on this date. Because it took my mind off the other guy, and especially because I knew he was going to be there. It's kind of like saying "Hey screw him. I'm at the same concert with another guy on a date. I don't need you anyway."

AND I got to see my friend Henry Hutchinson rock out on stage on Guitar Hero. He won some contest earlier and so he got to "play" with the National Symphony Orchestra. That will be SOME story to tell later on. He deserve it, him and his amazing dexterity...he's got them piano fingers.

Hearing everyone cheer him on, root for him like a team. That was just something. It was like everyone in the audience felt his highs and lows, and was along for the ride with him. I myself was invested in his performance. And when he reached the 450,000 point goal, I was beaming with joy. Go Henry.

If We Are Being Honest

 Well, it's happened yet again....REJECTION.

Just looking at that word puts shivers down my spine. Well, not really. But you know, what I keep telling myself, is that rejection only gets easier and easier.

And yeah sort of, but even if I don't feel pain...somewhere deep down, something is affected, I'm sure of it.

I'm of the belief that all that prolonged flirting, playing hard to get, pretending to like someone else, creating jealousy, putting someone in and taking someone out of the friend-zone, etc....those games are dumb. Romance should be simple and straightforward.

I mean so I think, but unfortunately the world doesn't work that way. I think this is the last time I will try and play by my rules. Next time I will follow the rules of the romantic world.

I always replay things in my mind that could have worked out better. But that's also dumb because the fact of it is, you can't go back in time and change anything. So why beat myself up over something that has already happened?

I hung out with someone and afterwards sent them a text saying
"I'm going to regret his so hard in the morning, but I'm sending this while I'm still tired and not thinking straight. Just wanted you to know I am extremely attracted to you....blah blah blah"

And guess what, I did regret it...somewhat. But I'm also glad I just went ahead and said it.

He replied saying that he didn't feel the same way, which, well I thought he did...that's the main reason I felt comfortable sending that text. SO I guess it just goes to show you that when it comes to love/lust I know NOTHING. Well, I already knew that. But still I put myself in situations that I just know aren't going to turn out well.

He then went on to say that if it was going to make things weird or difficult between us, we shouldn't hang out.

I hate awkward relationships, ruined friendships, uncomfortable situations, anything of that sort. And I always hear stories of how people date or there's unrequited love or a casual hookup, and it all ends badly between the two people involved. Maybe more than two, who knows.

I just ain't about that life. And I want to make sure that everyone I meet I end up staying friends or at least civil acquaintances with.

Last time a guy broke my heart and started dating a girl in the same friend circle. I chose to stick it out and suck it up. My other guy friend who liked the girl chose to become detached. But if I did that...I would have a lost a close friend, become estranged from my friend group, all at the cost of a love that would never have worked anyway.

So, I said something like "okay, no worries, it won't make things difficult between us at all...forget I said anything :) "

And he said "I can do that."

So you know what, I think I'm just going to leave it at that. I honestly don't know whether I should be hurt and cry or laugh. My initial reaction was to laugh at the stupidity of it all. Which made me realize that it doesn't really hurt because this is LUST and not LOVE.

I'm attracted to a lot of people. I may or may not want to have sex with them all. But that doesn't mean I would want to marry them or even date them.

I guess that's why I'm okay this time. It's a little more complicated because he gave me my first kiss, but honestly, it's not much different. I knew we didn't get along in the romantic sense. And well, this confirmed we didn't even get along in terms of lust and attraction.

Does this hurt my ego though? Well, maybe. But it shouldn't. I still think I'm pretty fantastic.

Besides, there's plenty of fish in the sea right?

I just have to recast my line or something.....

Don't Dance at Work

Recap of past Facebook statuses these past two weeks:

Usually on the way to and from work I pass people and hear things like "I filed the report yesterday" or "you got to look at the market value first" but today I passed someone and I heard "...cheating on his wife with a stripper..."- good way to start the day.

Such an awkward moment. I took a mental break at work and was jamming out to some tunes in my head. I started doing a mini version of the Wop in my chair and this dude (a client probably) walked by. We made eye contact and I’m pretty sure he was thinking something along the lines of wtf. I really hope he interpreted my “dancing” as hand-clapping or conducting or something. Moral of the story: don't dance at work.

The teacher and student duo trying to learn Farsi next door are amusing as no other. There’s a lot of raised argumentative shouting and screaming chuckles all the time. The student: “By the end of this, I will either hate you or we will be friends for life” lol this guy

You know it’s bad when someone, who's second language is English, uses words I should know but don’t in her answers to my questions and I am forced to Google them and come to terms with the fact that if I were to take the SAT again, I would fail miserably.

Definitely just spilled an entire cup of milk onto my lap. Don't even know how that happened...good thing no one was around to see that.

I may or may not have the slight inkling of a crush for this guy I keep seeing in the kitchen around lunchtime. I’m pretty sure he’s an employee, which means he’s FOREIGN and probably speaks a sexy language and also has a cute accent when he speaks English. And, he drinks tea, and not from a teabag. Now if only I could say something to him…I wanna hear him talk

I definitely just walked out in my underwear in broad daylight...but I had something gross in my hand that I needed to dump out right away and the pros of getting rid of that outweighed the cons of me being half naked. Besides, 10 years from now, would I care? No. 20 years from now, will I be able to do that? No. Accidents would happen, and not in the good way. So there we go, action justified.

Heavyweight

Lately I've been feeling like that Rachael Yamagata song "Heavyweight"

You think you are such a heavyweight
It don't mean nothing
At the end of the day
There is not a thing here left to break
I won't feeling nothing
There's nothing you can say to
Make me feel like I should walk away
I'll help you bear your heavyweight

What I mean is...I don't mind taken on my friend's burdens and helping them bear some of that heavy burden that's on their shoulders. What are friends for right?

But when a lot of it is happening all at once...it's not good for the heart I think. It's like my friend John says, he can't say no, he always tries to help people even if it causes him pain or trouble.

I don't think I'm super altruistic or anything, but I definitely easily feel empathy. That's great and all, but at times like this it can be hard.

My heart suddenly feels heavy, but then again it could just be because I'm not getting enough sleep. From love problems to financial problems to sister problems, this week has just been....a lot. I've given all the words of encouragement and understanding left to give. I've given all the advice I have no grounds to give.

Funny thing - advice. People don't always ask for it, but they imply it. And so you give them advice, but most of the time when people give advice there's no basis. I mean, I KNOW that most of the time I give advice, it's completely opinion and beliefs.

I can't count the number of times I've tried to give people wisdom on relationship, romance, boy/girl problems. Who in their right minds would think it's a good idea to ask me? I've NEVER been in a relationship, I've only ever liked ONE guy and that did not end successfully, and every single "date" I've went on -  I don't consider a single one of them a date. And if we are talking about firsts, I have my virginity and my first kiss doesn't even count because I didn't FEEL anything.

Family advice? I have my own family problems just like everyone out there. No problem within the family is the same. My own problems aren't similar to other people's. Again, no basis or authority to say anything.

Financial problems? I don't like math, or maybe it's real life, and we'll leave it at that.

I guess what I'm...complaining about (I hate complaints and people that complain, so here is me being hypocritical) is that I'm tired of providing constant and incessant amounts of encouragement, assurance, care, worry, etc.

Emotionally, I am a little worn out. I guess I wish all the love I've poured out recently was reciprocated. Really, maybe I'm just feeling a bit lonely because I'm alone now.

I think I'm allowed to wish for someone to hold me in their arms and tell me to let go of everything, let it all melt away, and that they love me in whatever way they are capable of loving me. 

Bachelorette Pad

I guess I haven't been posting as much as I should have been on here. But starting.....NOW I will. Knock on wood. (honestly don't even know if this is the appropriate opportunity to do that)

Well, I'm sitting in my underwear in front of an open window and the taste of freedom is still there.

My family left for Taiwan. And now my friend who stayed with me for the past week or so have left too. So, today is really officially the first day I'm staying by myself.

I think I will be able to keep myself occupied but still I'm a little scared about being lonely, not necessarily bored.

On another note, I wrote something in a text to a friend that I quite like. Here it is:

"I mean, I guess in the end, behind all the smiles and serenity, everyone's got their own troubles and dark secrets. It's just a part of being human, and somehow we learn to help people and love them anyway. It takes time and it might not happen but you can only try"