Heavyweight

Lately I've been feeling like that Rachael Yamagata song "Heavyweight"

You think you are such a heavyweight
It don't mean nothing
At the end of the day
There is not a thing here left to break
I won't feeling nothing
There's nothing you can say to
Make me feel like I should walk away
I'll help you bear your heavyweight

What I mean is...I don't mind taken on my friend's burdens and helping them bear some of that heavy burden that's on their shoulders. What are friends for right?

But when a lot of it is happening all at once...it's not good for the heart I think. It's like my friend John says, he can't say no, he always tries to help people even if it causes him pain or trouble.

I don't think I'm super altruistic or anything, but I definitely easily feel empathy. That's great and all, but at times like this it can be hard.

My heart suddenly feels heavy, but then again it could just be because I'm not getting enough sleep. From love problems to financial problems to sister problems, this week has just been....a lot. I've given all the words of encouragement and understanding left to give. I've given all the advice I have no grounds to give.

Funny thing - advice. People don't always ask for it, but they imply it. And so you give them advice, but most of the time when people give advice there's no basis. I mean, I KNOW that most of the time I give advice, it's completely opinion and beliefs.

I can't count the number of times I've tried to give people wisdom on relationship, romance, boy/girl problems. Who in their right minds would think it's a good idea to ask me? I've NEVER been in a relationship, I've only ever liked ONE guy and that did not end successfully, and every single "date" I've went on -  I don't consider a single one of them a date. And if we are talking about firsts, I have my virginity and my first kiss doesn't even count because I didn't FEEL anything.

Family advice? I have my own family problems just like everyone out there. No problem within the family is the same. My own problems aren't similar to other people's. Again, no basis or authority to say anything.

Financial problems? I don't like math, or maybe it's real life, and we'll leave it at that.

I guess what I'm...complaining about (I hate complaints and people that complain, so here is me being hypocritical) is that I'm tired of providing constant and incessant amounts of encouragement, assurance, care, worry, etc.

Emotionally, I am a little worn out. I guess I wish all the love I've poured out recently was reciprocated. Really, maybe I'm just feeling a bit lonely because I'm alone now.

I think I'm allowed to wish for someone to hold me in their arms and tell me to let go of everything, let it all melt away, and that they love me in whatever way they are capable of loving me.